


What Happens When the Heart Just Stops

by 27noir



Series: Mixed Magic [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Thin Veil Series - Jodi McIsaac
Genre: Angst, Crossover, Edinburgh, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 09:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5660590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/27noir/pseuds/27noir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Edinburgh, March 1982</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Happens When the Heart Just Stops

**Author's Note:**

> This one is my fault and my fault alone.
> 
> Thanks to E for the edits on this one! <3
> 
> Title is from the song of the same name by the Frames.
> 
> See End Notes for a note about canon.

 

 

_Edinburgh, March 1982_

 

It was grey and overcast as Felix stared out the back window of the coffee shop, its trademark elephant figures lined up on a shelf above his head. Even Edinburgh Castle was hard to see through the mist. Felix didn’t mind the weather, grey though it was. He smiled to himself, the memory of a pair of vivid grey eyes and other, softer, brown ones, flecked with gold, still sharp. Strange to think of it now, so suddenly. Strange too, perhaps, to miss two people one hardly knew.

He got up to get a refill, weaving through the tables and chairs to the counter. There was someone already there, fumbling with his change, while the girl behind the counter looked at him with vague distaste. There was something exceedingly familiar about the bedraggled young man trying to buy a cup of tea, but not until he raised his head to beg his apologies to the cashier did Felix realize who it was.

“Remus?!”

The man turned, brown eyes catching Felix’s own, and he went very pale—paler than before, which was some feat—and his eyes went very wide. They were dim, even in the light, gold all but gone.

Remus swore, then snatched up his change and his bag in swift succession and pelted out the door.

Felix dashed back for his coat and then was out the door after him. He spotted Remus through the rain, weaving down the street, and ran after him.

“Remus! Remus, wait!”

Remus didn’t stop. And when Felix caught up with him, Remus pulled his arm out of Felix’s grasp, backing away from him.

“Leave me alone!” Remus said desperately, and when Felix reached out to him again, a little hysterically, “Don’t touch me!”

Felix raised his hands in the air and stepped back. Remus didn’t run again, but clutched his bag and crouched against the side of the wall in a tight ball of misery.

“Remus,” Felix said softly. “Are you okay?

This was not the same young man he had met only a couple years back. Then Remus had been all light and energy and _joy_. The Remus before him looked trampled and as lacking in color as the current weather.

“Remus?” Felix asked again and crouched down beside him because Remus had started shaking wildly. He started breathing rapidly, too, gripping his bag with white-knuckled fingers, tears threatening to spill down his face.

Felix recognized it for what it was, but given that his usual method of touch was not a welcome option at the moment, he had to quickly wrack his brains to remember how else to help.

“Remus, listen to me. It’s going to be okay. But I want you to do something for me, okay? Tell me four things you can hear right now.”

Remus just shook his head, breathing even more ragged.

“Come Remus, you can do this. What can you hear right now?”

Remus closed his eyes. But after a moment he said very quietly, “I can hear the rain.”

“Good. Rain, that’s good. What else?”

“Your voice.”

“Excellent. Keep going.”

Remus scrunched his eyes tighter, as if he was in pain, but after a moment said, “They are playing bagpipes up at the Royal Mile.”

Felix didn’t question the werewolf’s sense of hearing, even if he couldn’t hear this himself.

“Rain, my voice, bagpipes. One more.”

“Someone opened an umbrella across the street.”

Felix looked up and sure enough, someone coming out of the museum across the street had opened an umbrella. He turned back to Remus to find that he seemed to have relaxed ever so slightly.

“Rain, my voice, bagpipes, and an umbrella opening. Good. Now can you tell me four things you can see?”

Remus opened his eyes and stared dead ahead.

“Grey. Everything is just fucking _grey_.” Remus said with a crack in his voice. Then he slammed his fist against the wall, teeth clenched. “Fuck, why does even that make me think of him?”

He crumpled on himself again, shoulders shaking.

“Remus?” Felix asked again, sure the man was crying.He reached out a hand, hesitating still but not sure how much help anything else was going to be at this point, and put his hand on the back of Remus’ neck with a soft word.

Remus jolted, like it was a shock, but then gave a heavy sigh and sagged under Felix’s touch. Felix let his hand rest there for a moment, then took it away.

A moment later Remus looked up, seemingly more lucid, but with a storm behind his eyes still. He was breathing easier too, but he looked so tired. Felix tried to remember when the last full moon had been. Not long ago, he was sure.

“Panic attack?” Felix asked.

Remus nodded, still not looking at him.

“Have they been happening a lot?”

Remus gave a short and bitter laugh. “All the fucking time.” But he sighed, and finally looked at Felix.

“I’m sorry,” he said hollowly.

Felix shook his head.“You don’t need to apologize. Where are you staying?” Felix was intent to get Remus home and maybe to eat something. Or tea at least.

Remus just shook his head. “Tore the last place up with the full moon. Didn’t hurt anyone, but the landlord wanted more for the furniture than I’m worth.”

“You okay to walk? I’m about 15 minutes from here.”

“Felix,” Remus said despairingly, but Felix stopped him before he could protest further.

“It’s raining, you’re freezing and you’ve got few places else to go. Fewer places still that can offer a decent cup of tea without judgment.” Felix offered Remus his hand. “I can probably even offer you a sandwich for cheap.”

Remus didn’t smile, but took Felix’s hand and let Felix help him up.

They didn’t say much on the way. But Remus didn’t let go of Felix’s hand, eyes downcast and keeping close to Felix’s side.

Felix had a small flat overlooking Holyrood Park. Remus followed him up the winding stairs rather meekly, shivering while he waited for Felix to dig out his keys. The flat was nothing fancy, but it was comfortable.

Remus settled on the couch, though with much hesitation, and once Felix had put on the kettle, he went and perched on the coffee table in front of him.

Remus looked at him morosely, pale and weary eyed. He looked both younger and yet so much older than when Felix had seen him last. He looked beaten.

Felix raised his hands. “May I?” he asked.

It took a moment, but Remus nodded, a single dip of his chin.

Slowly and with delicacy, Felix put his hands on Remus’ skin afraid of what he might find.

His fears were not abated.

Physically—well, he wasn’t fine. He was weak and bruised and starving. But there was a terrible darkness that was causing it all, and it was not the wolf, Felix knew that at least. And that was of far more concern to Felix. Partly because it wasn’t something he could so easily heal, if he could heal it at all. Cuts, bruises, _poison_ , magic even, those were things he could deal with deftly.

Utter heartache was something he’d found no cure for besides time.

Remus pulled away suddenly, with a startled breath and looking scared. Maybe his own magic allowed him to be aware of how much Felix could read, because he pulled himself tight into the couch.

Felix pulled away and watched the other man in a moment of hesitation. Then, very softly, he asked, “Remus, what happened?”

Remus just pulled himself into a tighter ball and shook his head. Felix could see he was trying not to cry again.

Irked, Felix ran a hand through his hair, wondering if he should ask what he wanted to ask. He wondered what sort of hell he might unleash for Remus if he did. He hesitated a moment longer, but asked anyway.

“Remus, where is Sirius?”

He didn’t get an answer to his question easily that night. The mention of Sirius’ name sent Remus into another panic attack, one much worse than previous, and he would not let Felix near him.

Felix made Remus tea, and that calmed him down a little, though Felix said nothing about the few extra leaves he’d thrown in Remus cup. They sat for a long time, Felix drinking his tea, Remus sipping at his but mostly playing with his mug with shaking hands. Twice he nearly dropped it.

Finally, Remus said so softly Felix nearly didn’t hear him, “They are all dead.”

Felix set his mug down harder than anticipated, and gave a thunk on the table beside where he sat.

Remus raised his eyes over his mug of what had to be now very cold tea. His eyes were hard.

“He killed them all.”

Felix stared at Remus, heart pounding in his throat. Sirius, dead?

“Who?” he managed, but Remus cut him off with an angry shake of the head.

“ _Sirius_ killed all our—my friends.”

Felix went cold, not wanting to believe it. But if Remus believed it…?

“Tell me?” Felix asked softly. “Please Remus, if you can, tell me what happened.”

Remus did, though with much pain. It was difficult for Felix to piece together, not knowing who James and Lily or Peter were, much less Harry, Dumbledore and Voldemort. Or about the world of magic Remus had come from. He’d known nothing about their war. But at the end of Remus’ halting explanation, it was clear enough. Sirius had betrayed them all and it had lead to the deaths of all of the people Remus had called friends. And that had been not even 6 months ago.

“Where is he now?”

“Hell,” Remus said bitterly, hands tight around the mug he had yet to let go of. “Prison,” he amended. “Azkaban, our wizard prison. It’s basically hell. It’s nothing less than he deserves.”

But his voice wavered, and Felix wondered if he really meant it.He wondered if Remus truly believed all this of Sirius. Felix was having a hard time of it.But Felix had only known Sirius for one evening. He also knew now was not the time to question this, with Remus falling apart in front of him.

Remus had finally set his tea aside, but only to press the palms of his hands to his eye sockets. Then he start to swear and cry, violent indecencies spilling from his mouth as easily as the tears from his eyes. Felix came and sat beside him on the couch, but Remus turned away from him so Felix didn’t touch him.

He cried for hours, until Felix couldn’t take it to see him in pain like this any longer while he did nothing. He made more tea, managed to get Remus to drink it, and waited till Remus quieted and fell asleep on the couch.

Then Felix sat on floor in his bedroom by the window, and cried, just briefly, before wiping his cheeks and staring out the window at the waning moon, chest heavy with hurt.

 

\--

 

Remus came down with something in the night. Hardly surprising, given the emotional turmoil that had occurred.

He was shivering as Felix felt his hot forehead. Hardly surprising, Felix thought again, given what he had been through the last few months.

Felix moved him to the bedroom, and did his best to bring down his fever. It was stubborn, only breaking early in the morning of the third day.

Remus slept through most of it, made no effort to remain conscious.

Felix didn’t sleep at all.

 

 --

 

When Remus woke, lucid at last from the fever, Felix was dozing in a chair by the window. He woke to find Remus watching him with empty eyes.

“Irial?” he asked without preface.

“Off having having his own adventures, I’m sure,” Felix said, with a soft smile.

Remus nodded, but did not return the smile. Instead he closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

 

\--

 

After the fever, Remus spoke little. Felix didn’t push him, but left food and tea in front of him. Remus drank the tea, sometimes, but rarely touched the food. Felix started leaving him books with the tea instead, and that got a little more reception. But often he would come back into the room to find Remus staring off into the distance with hollow eyes, or lids pressed tight, trying to keep out the world.

Felix let him be.

 

\--

 

Except one night.One night Felix did something rather foolish, but only because Remus had taken till nearly dinner to get out of bed. Patient as Felix was and as little as he knew about the other man, it was eating away at him to see Remus like this. As such, the desire to be able to _do something_ for Remus, to help him get better, or maybe just help him forget for a night, became too strong and he resorted to measures he didn’t often turn to, not for things like this. 

“Would you like something to drink?” Felix asked, when Remus had stared at the same page in his book for nearly half an hour. “Something stronger than tea, I mean.”

“Okay,” said Remus after half a beat.

Felix looked at the options in his cupboard and found a bottle of whisky. He brought it and two tumblers back to coffee table and poured a generous portion into both.

Remus gave a hollow, “Thank you,” then he shot the whole glass back with a grimace, coughing on the back end.

This should have been a bad sign to Felix, but he wasn’t sure what else to offer Remus but some relief. And maybe if he could get Remus to talk, that might help things.

But Remus didn’t want to talk. And given that Remus had had little but tea for several days, Felix found that in a short span of time he had a lost, broken, and now notably drunk, Remus situated on his couch.

Felix was sitting beside him, if only to mediate the intake of alcohol. Remus still seemed wary of Felix touching him, even when he had been physically ill, so Felix had been keeping his distance.And while Felix suspected this was partly due to the intimate nature of their first meeting, his automatic inclination was to reach out and touch Remus. But he knew Remus would not care for it, so he had been keeping himself in check, hard though that was.

Remus swore beside him.

“This is all bullshit,” he said softly, eyes full of anguish. He turned to Felix at last and bit his lip, the alcohol leaving small patches of color under his eyes. And then he hung his head and slumped against Felix’s chest.

Felix had just enough time to move his glass out of the way before Remus was suddenly clinging to him, face buried in Felix’s chest. He set his drink aside and shifted so that he could hold Remus more comfortably.

“Hey,” he said softly into Remus’ hair. “Things will get better. It all feels like shit right now, I know, but things will get better. _You_ will get better.”

Remus gave a short, weak laugh into his chest, then pushed himself up enough to look Felix in the eye.

“And if I don’t want it to get better?” He smiled, a bitter thing on his pale face. Felix cupped the side of his face with his hand.

“Don’t give up hope yet, Remus,” He said. “There are still people in this world who love you.”

Remus’ eyes narrowed. Then he gave a short, snort of a laugh and pressed his mouth against Felix’s.

Felix didn’t kiss back at first, conflicted. But he gave in, pulling Remus in and holding him close.

There was a problem here, and Felix knew it. He was very aware this was a bad idea. The kisses turned desperate, and hands impatient and Felix kept trying to listen that sensible part of his brain telling him to stop. The other part, though, reasoned that he should do this for Remus, if it made him feel better.

Which was, of course, all bullshit.

Felix managed to pull away just as Remus’ hands were going for his belt.

“Remus.”

Remus stilled, head tucked in the crook of Felix’s neck, hands lingering at the top of Felix’s jeans.

“Let’s not do this.”

Remus made a noise between a huff and a sob and started to pull away. But Felix caught him, hands at his jaw to make him look at him. Remus was shaking.

“Remus, you don’t want this, not right now.”

“Don’t fucking tell me what I don’t want,” Remus spat, but it held little venom.He tore himself from Felix’s grasp, stumbling from the couch and into the coffee table before proceeding to the bathroom. Felix heard the door lock, and a thump, and then Remus crying.

Felix slouched into the couch, cursing himself and frustrated. He pressed his hands to his face, trying not to feel too sorry for himself. His mother and grandfather had taught him a great many things about being a healer; trying to bring back some joy into the life of a friend who has lost pretty much everything—with whom you might have once had an epic foursome—was not one of those things. Even in all his years, he’d had little experience with this one.

He heard Remus run the tap and unlock the bathroom door, and then shuffle into the bedroom. Felix didn’t follow to try and make amends. Remus probably didn’t want to hear it now anyway. Instead he made himself comfortable on the couch and attempted to sleep.

 

\--

 

Felix woke to an audible thump and crack and Remus swearing. Felix was off the couch in an instant to find Remus, bleary eyed and hungover, crouched and holding his head from where he had smacked it on the edge of the counter by the door.

He was trying to put his shoes on, Felix realized. And, at the sight of Remus’ bag nearby, that he had been trying to leave without waking Felix up.

Remus squinted up at him guiltily.

“Are you coming back?” Felix asked.

Remus looked away and said nothing, but there was anguish in his eyes.

“At least tell me you have somewhere safe to go if you leave. Tell me—“ Felix sighed, pressing himself against the wall across from Remus, dragging a hand down his face. “Just find me if you want help again, okay? You can always come back here. Always. Okay?”

Remus nodded. Then he dragged himself upright, kicking his feet into his shoes and grappled with the door, swaying a little.

The door shut behind him with a thud. Felix pressed his fist into the bridge of his nose, leaning heavily against the wall. He stayed there for a long time, pushing back the feelings that were threatening to overtake him.

Then he frowned, pulled open the door and looked out into the hall.

Remus was sitting at the top of the stairs, bag in his lap and head in his hands. Felix came and sat beside him.

For a long time they just sat there in silence.

“Everything hurts,” Remus said at last. “Everything hurts so fucking much.”

“I know,” Felix said. He sighed. “There’s no quick cure for grief. But I can at least treat your hangover, if you like.”

Remus just nodded, and took Felix’s offered hand to help him up. He followed Felix back into the flat, accepted a slightly vile concoction of herbal tea and they spoke nothing of what happened the night before.

 

\-- 

 

_April 1982_

 

Felix came home from getting groceries to find Remus packing.

“Are you leaving?” Felix asked, slightly panicked. Remus hadn’t been exactly the paramour of recovery the last couple of weeks. In fact, he had taken to mostly sleeping and staring distantly like he had before the last time they had been in this situation.

Remus spared him a moment of sorting through his stuff to nod at him.

“Remus we’ve been over this—“

Remus cut him off, still not looking at Felix. “I can’t stay here tonight.”

“Remus, _please…”_

Remus looked at him finally, startled by the tone in Felix’s voice.

Felix faltered. “I’m sorry if I’m being overbearing but I don’t like the idea of you out on the street. If I’m doing something wrong, if there’s anything I can do to make you more comfortable…”

Inexplicably, Remus started to laugh. It was the first time Felix had heard him laugh, a real honest laugh, in all the time Remus had stayed with him, though it was a little harsh from ill use, and only slightly bitter.

Felix blinked at him confused.

Remus sobered up with a huff, slinging a small bag over his shoulder. He came and put his hand on Felix’s chest, just below his neck.

“It’s the full moon tonight, Felix,” he said with a sad smile. “And I’m not about to tear apart your lovely flat or risk you in it.”

“Oh,” Felix said with meaning. “Where will you go?”

Remus’ lip pulled up in distaste. “The Ministry cells, like a good registered werewolf. It’ll be okay,” he added, probably at the look on Felix’s face. “I’ve spent the full moon in worse places. It’s not pretty, but we can’t have me running wild in the streets of Edinburgh now can we?”

Felix disregarded the self-degradation. He found he had he too many thoughts and too many words in his overwhelming sadness to say anything. Instead he stepped close to Remus, hesitantly reaching out to put a hand on Remus’ neck. Almost to his surprise, Remus didn’t pull away.

“Can I come with you?” he asked softly.

Remus shook his head. “No. That’s… That’s not a good idea. It’s not pretty, Felix. I won’t have you go through that, too.”

Felix had not been expecting any different, really. He pulled Remus close, and Remus relaxed just a little in his arms, resting his head on Felix’s shoulder. He planted a kiss at Remus’ temple, then stepped away from the door.

“Just… Come back, Remus. When it’s over, come back home.”

Remus gave a small smile. “I will.”

“I’ll be here.”

Remus smiled a little more at that, and then he disappeared through the door.

 

\-- 

 

It was late afternoon the following day when Felix, currently wearing the carpet thin with worry and indecision, turned on his heel to pace back across the living room and discovered a very large silver creature standing in his way.

It was a wolf, in fact, mildly transparent and seemingly impatient. It scratched at the floor and tossed its head at Felix.

He’d seen this wolf before, he realized. That night in the Merrow’s hut. Remus had made it appear.

The wolf was now making restless bouncing motions, looking at him imploringly. 

“Remus,” Felix said. “Can you take me to him?”

The wolf made a huffing noise and scurried to the door, scratching at it to get out. Felix didn’t bother with a jacket, despite the weather, but let the wolf into the hall and followed it out the building.

As soon as they hit the pavement, the wolf was off, and Felix bolted after it, weaving through people on the street, fairly sure no one else could see the streak of silver dodging between them. Ever now and then the wolf would stop to make sure Felix was still following behind, or would pause to cross the street, but it barely relented in its urgency. 

Finally it skittered to a halt outside some scummy takeaway pizzeria and sat, panting, Felix running up to meet it. He stared at it, wondering why it had stopped. But the wolf was looking down a small alley way at their side. One that Felix had not noticed prior.

Felix turned to look down it too. And then swore in a manner in which he was not accustomed to.

“Remus!”

He was on his knees beside the man in an instant, wanting to touch him, but not sure where he could that would not hurt.

Remus’ eyes flickered open. He smiled up at Felix, then down at his wolf, who nosed his face under Remus’ hand for a moment and then was gone in a wisp of silver.

“Sorry,” Remus said in whisper. “Rough night. Too tired to make it back and they aren’t fond of our kind lingering around. But I’m okay.”

He tried to push himself into a more upright position, but hissed in pain.

“Remus!” Felix said, with a note of warning, as one of the patches of blood at Remus’ side darkened. “Don’t push yourself. We need to get you home…” But he wondered how they were going to do that. He could carry him, but it would be a long trip. Taxi, he supposed. “Can you stand?”

Remus couldn’t, not until Felix pressed a hand into his side and stopped the bleeding, though just barely. Felix’s magic seemed to falter, much to Felix’s distress. But he got Remus standing and back to the road. It took a long time to hail a cab, given that the first two took one look at Remus and drove away.

The third eyed Remus’ condition warily but said, “Double?”

“Deal,” said Felix, and helped Remus into the car.

If Felix thought that would be the hardest part he was wrong. Remus didn’t weigh much, startlingly light really when Felix picked him up, but the stairwell was steep and narrow and difficult to maneuver when you’re holding a grown man and trying not to hit him on anything and everything, even with the skill of the Tuatha Dé Danann.

Remus, however, noticed little, drifting in and out of consciousness. He flickered awake when Felix set him on the bed, and caught Felix’s hand.

“I’m okay,” he said earnestly as he could given his condition.

“You really don’t look it,” Felix said, and set to work.

There were long gashes across Remus’ back and shoulders, bite marks deep into his arms and legs. There was such a series of tears on one of his thighs that Felix could only assume the wolf had tried to gnaw his leg off. Many of the small scratches were starting to knit themselves back up already, Felix noted with fascination. He didn’t have hope that the rest would do so well on their own, however. In frustration he covered them in salves and bandages, his healing touch not nearly as effective as it usually was.He suspected that had something to do with the wolf, but he’d had little experience with werewolves. 

When he was done, he cleaned away as much of the blood as he could. When the worst was attended to Remus pulled him away. “Leave the small ones, they’ll heal fast enough anyway,” he sounded tired, so very tired. “You’re just lucky I didn’t break anything.”

He tried to smile, but it broke the split in his lip that was already starting to heal. He held tight to Felix’s hand, though, so Felix, now tired too, slid on to the remaining side of the bed and laid down beside him. He closed his eyes for a moment, fighting a wave of emotion now that Remus seemed to be out of harm’s way.

“Is it always this bad?” he whispered.

Remus didn’t reply for a long moment.

“Yes,” he said at last. “Worse sometimes.”

What he said next, he said with great deliberation and a mostly unwavering voice. But the words were ragged in his throat, like he was drawing them out, hand over fist.

“There were a few years where it wasn’t so bad. At Hogwarts… At school. Sirius—my friends, they learned how to become animagi. Transfigure themselves into animals,” he clarified, when Felix frowned.

The dog on the beach, Felix remembered, and then Sirius’ bright face, wet hair clinging to him.

“Sirius turned into a dog,” Felix said, flinching at his own use of the man’s name.

But Remus only nodded sadly. “James turned into a stag and Peter a rat. It was foolish of them, and foolish of me to let them keep doing it, but well, we were kids. The bite doesn’t affect animals. So they would come out with me on the full moon. It helped. The wolf didn’t do so much damage then.”

Remus’ eyes got very distant and he didn’t say anything for a long time.

When he did speak again, it was barely a whisper. “Sometimes I don’t remember that they are all dead. Sometimes I wake up, and I don’t remember they’re all gone. I expect to roll over and see Sirius asleep beside me.Or after the full, Lily humming and already at work mending the worst of things. But they are all gone. They are all dead. Or might as well be.”

Remus made a small noise like a sob, and pressed his free hand to his face.

Felix squeezed his other hand, and tucked a little closer.

“And Harry,” Remus continued. “I just left little Harry behind. And now he’s going to be raised by Lily’s miserable relatives, when maybe I could have saved him from that. Instead I ran and am so utterly useless I can barely take care of myself. I don’t know what I’m going to do, Felix. Everything has fallen apart.”

“It will get better,” Felix said.

Remus made a noise between a laugh and a sob. “You keep saying that. But it’s very hard to believe right now.”

“I know,” Felix said. “ _I know._ But it is the truth. You will find some joy again, Remus. I can’t tell you how long it will take, but I promise you, it will happen. And when it does, then think about going back for Harry. You’ve got to worry about yourself for a while.”

“I think that’s part of the problem,” Remus said dryly. “All I do is think about myself and how miserable I am. And about how terrible it is that you have to put up me. I can’t help but think you must be so terribly disappointed in me now.”

“Remus,” Felix said. “I’m not. How could I be? I know what you’re going through. I do. I’ve been around long enough to have been where you’ve been. And I know it’s hard not to worry about, but you being here is not a burden for me. I’d much rather you be here, safe, then trying to do it all on your own. We get through these things with help. And I’m more than willing to be the one to see you through this.”

Remus turned to him, scarred face pale and etched with sadness. “You shouldn’t have to be,” he whispered. “You barely know me, and… And it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Merlin, I was so foolish. It was the war, but somehow I still believed we’d all make it through in the end. Even with all the terrible things that happened to us and our friends, I thought…” Remus closed his eyes for a moment, breathing heavy. Felix stroked his thumb over Remus’ knuckles, not sure any other source of comfort would be welcome, and waited.

“But you are all I have now,” Remus said at last, and Felix couldn’t help but feel his chest constrict. “And I’m going to try not to take you for granted, too.”

“You should get some sleep,” Felix said, keeping the emotion out of his voice. “Sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up, okay?”

Remus nodded. He closed his eyes and soon was asleep. Felix was there when he woke, and Remus smiled, small and brittle though it was.

 

\--

 

Remus talked after that full moon. Like a squeaking water pump at first, spilling out words and memories in an outpour that often stopped as soon as it started. But after a couple of days of stuttering conversations with Felix, the mechanisms wore through the rust and the facts of Remus’ life flowed out in a near steady stream.

He didn’t talk about what had happened, not at first. Instead, he told Felix of a life of tragedies. The wolf that attacked when he and his brother were small, taking his childhood and his brother back into the darkness with it. A childhood alone, watching his parents struggle with the loss of one son and the monster they had gained in the other. His father’s death after graduation. The war.

His joys were intermittent. His parents had loved him, in their grief, and did their best for him in kind. How, for a long time, he believed no one would love him better than his parents.

Being allowed to go to Hogwarts, despite his condition, too, was a joy. Finding friends there—friends who didn’t run when they knew what he was. Who instead became fiercely loyal. Stupidly loyal, even.

It took a long time for him to talk about Sirius. And when he did, it brought with it boughts of anger and more panic attacks and after, the all too familiar state of blankness. But Remus always came out of it after a day, or two, and he didn’t stop talking.

Felix, in return, offered stories from his life. He told Remus the real versions of the stories he had grown up with. He even ventured to tell him how he had met Irial, and some of their adventures, and was pleased that this did not cause particular distress in Remus.

They talked about that night in the Merrow’s hut just once. For Remus it marked one of the last truly happy times before the war closed in around them. Before their friends from the Order started dying, before the suspicion and the growing distrust and the weariness.

Before Remus lost everything.

“Maybe I should have seen it coming,” Remus remarked one night, his voice tight. They were laying in Felix’s bed, moon light pouring through the window. “Maybe I should have suspected. Maybe I could have stopped it.”

Felix hesitated. “Do you really think he did it?” he asked. It was a thought that had been on his mind since that first night. “Do you really think Sirius betrayed you all like that?”

Remus was quiet for a long time. “I don’t know,” he said at last, his voice so soft Felix barely heard him. “I… I don’t want to. Just as I don’t want to love him still. But I don’t know what else to believe. James and Lily and Peter are dead. I don’t know what else to believe.”

Felix tangled his fingers in Remus’ and Remus held them tight before he curled himself into Felix’s chest. Felix wrapped his arms around him and held him long after they both fell asleep.

 

 --

 

_May 1982_

 

It was a only few days after the full moon when Remus, who was lounging on the couch with a book, still sore and mending, made a curious noise. Then he was on full alert with his wand out, staring at Felix’ bookshelf.

“Remus?” Felix asked, alarmed.

But Felix followed his gaze and saw the glow coming from the shelf. “It’s alright,” he said, touching his shoulder as he passed to fetch the source of the light. He held the starstone in his hand and found Ruadhan staring at him from it.

“We need to talk,” Raudhan said gruffly with an uneasy look over his shoulder.

“Oh?” Felix asked lightly, watching Remus relax out of the corner of his eye.

Ruadhan grumbled. “We need you here, Toirdhealbhach.”

Felix raised his eyebrows in surprise. “I didn’t think things were that bad.”

“Well they are. The Elders are closing the sidhe. Yours is one of the few open because you’re still on Ériu and Brogan won’t close it without your return to Tir na nOg. But soon he might not have a choice. Lorcan’s support is growing, and so is his willingness to treason. There’s going to be a war, Toirdhealbhach. There’s no question of it any more. Brogan is going to need you. We’re going to need you.”

Felix said nothing for a moment.

“I need a little time.”

“I’m not sure how much time we can give you,” Ruadhan admitted.

“I know,” Felix said, rubbing his face. There had been talk of war, of Lorcan and his rebellion, small though it was some months ago. Every time someone from home checked in with him, the situation grew worse. He had been prepared to leave Ériu if it came to it, but that had been before Remus had appeared. He had hoped the situation in Tir na nOg would contain itself a little longer, but it was obvious it hadn’t. He hated the thought of having to leave Remus now. And yet he would go back to Tir na Nog to help his friends and his king, that was not in question. He needed just a little more time here. Any time at all, really.

“Give me as long as you can, alright? I’m coming back, Ruadhan, but there’s things I need to take care of here first.”

Ruadhan did not look happy. “Fine, but I don’t know that I can guarantee more than a few days. In the mean time, you need to be up-to-date on the situation here. I won’t have you coming back blind.”

He found Remus in the bedroom when Ruadhan was done, not knowing how much Remus had heard. He’d probably heard enough, though. He was at the open window smoking and looked guilty when he saw Felix come in.

“Sorry,” he said, in a hurry to put the cigarette out.

But Felix caught his hand before he could extinguish it and snuck it from his fingers so that he could take a long drag on it.

Remus looked surprised.

“Didn’t think you were one to smoke,” Remus said, taking it back when it was offered.

Felix gave a half-hearted smile. “Not usually. But given the circumstances…”

“Bad news, then?”

Felix let his head drop heavily to Remus’s shoulder, hands at Remus’ sides. He let Remus run a hand through hair before straightening up and stealing the cigarette back.

They stood by the window, passing the cigarette back and forth, not talking until Felix sighed.

“There’s… trouble at home,” He grimaced at what an understatement that was. “They’re talking of war. And not in theoretics anymore, but practicalities.”

 _I don’t know how much longer I can stay_.

He couldn’t bring himself to say it, though.

Remus thread his fingers through Felix’s.

“War is the worst thing there is,” he said, staring out the window, before taking a final drag on the cigarette and pinching it out.

“Yeah,” said Felix. This wouldn’t be his first war but it had every potential to be one of the worst. They’d never fought amongst their own before.

Remus stared out the window a moment longer, then gave Felix a heavy smile.

“Shall we have take away for dinner? Curry maybe? I’ll go fetch it.”

Felix nodded, and Remus disentangled his hand and grabbed his coat and was gone.

Sighing, Felix stayed to stare out the window and across the city. Remus had left his pack of cigarettes on the window sill, so Felix snuck another and smoked it thinking about all the things he was going to miss on Ériu.

 

\--

 

Determined to not be the source of misery for what might be a remaining weeks — days even, Rohan hadn’t promise him anything—Felix tried to not let the press of the war get to him.

Remus, too, seemed to be trying hard not to be quite so downcast. Felix suspected he might be doing it as to not cause Felix more worry, but he made no comment.

They went out sometimes, the two of them. Remus hadn’t seen many of the sites yet, so Felix took him to the castle which didn’t impress Remus too much. It did spark several conversations about the castle where he had gone to school, though, as well as the revelation that Remus was an amazing artist when Felix found sketches of the Hogwarts grounds on random bits of paper in the living room the next morning, and Remus passed out on the couch, pencil still in hand.

So Felix took him to the National Gallery and let him wander to his heart’s delight. He slipped away to the gift shop briefly, though he was sure Remus had not noticed his absence, to pick up a small travel sketchbook and pencil set. He wasn’t sure Remus would accept it, but he did, with a quick, tight hug. He sat and sketched in the gallery for a while, with quick strokes and sure fingers, like this was as natural as breathing. It was the only time Felix had seen Remus confident in anything in the past months.

Later, when they got back to the flat from a dinner of a few pints each and several plates of chips, Remus thanked him again, pulling Felix to him. His hands twined in the front of Felix’s shirt and he kissed him with soft lips and no sense of urgency. Felix cupped the back of Remus’ head in his hands and kissed him back, trying to feel that same lack of urgency.

Sometimes, when the weather was nice, which was surprisingly often of late, they walked through Holyrood park.Remus went out a few times on his own, too, to sketch, once coming back looking more calm and more at peace than Felix had seen him since the time with the Merrow. Mostly he came back looking tired, though not as haunted as he had been in the last months.

While far from the happiness Felix had known of him in Ireland, Remus didn’t carry himself quite so heavily. Smiles were no longer quite so hard won by.And it made Felix’s heart hurt just a little less at the thought of leaving while Remus still needed him.

Felix took him to a hole-in-the-wall comic shop one day, where they were helped by a rather drug-addled Scotsman. He spent ages looking for this one particular comic, gesticulated wildly and claiming that was going to be “just the thing” for Remus, but never seemed to find it. They laughed about it after, in a coffee shop up the street, and Felix almost reached out and touched Remus’ cheek, because the smile looked so good on him.

After, when they had returned home and settled on the couch to read, Remus pushed aside Felix’s newly purchased comics and kissed him again. He tasted like coffee still and Felix threaded his hands through Remus’ lengthening hair to pull him closer, happy to be able to touch him at last.

Remus pulled away, a quiet smile on his face. “We never did get to do enough of that back then,” he said.

Felix laughed, running his thumb over Remus’ lower lip. “You are quite right,” he said and pulled Remus in for another kiss.

They spent a long time like that, Remus moving to straddle Felix’s hips on the couch, just kissing and running their hands rather tentatively over each other.

It was different this time. Felix couldn’t get a sense of what Remus was thinking or feeling, the Merrow’s powers no longer around to interfere, so there was a bit of fumbling and knocking of hands and noses and resulting laughter. It was good, but Felix wondered if it was going anywhere. Remus seemed to be content as they were, and Felix didn’t want to push him, he really didn’t. But part of him just wanted something more to hold on to before he maybe left Ériu for good.

There would always be Ireland, but that had been a very different time and a very different Remus. He had learned so much about him since.

But their last attempt at this still left a bad taste in Felix’s mouth, and he was sure Remus had not forgotten it either, despite being quite drunk.

Rather to his surprise, Remus made a frustrated noise and pulled away.

“This isn’t going as well as last time,” he said. Then he looked like he regretted it when Felix raised his eyebrows at him. “I mean, last time we kind of just… understood each other.” A bit of color rose to his cheeks. “I barely had to say something,—to be thinking something—and then you’d be doing it.”

“Ah,” Felix said. “I see your point.”

“That was the Merrow, wasn’t it.”

“Yeah.”

Remus considered this.

“Was there something you’d like me to be doing?” Felix asked.

Remus gave a huff of a laugh and dropped his head to Felix’s shoulder. “It’s just, kissing is nice and all.”

“Agreed,” Felix said.

“But…”

“But…?” Felix said, giving Remus a level look when he raised his head.

“This isn’t like last time,” Remus said softly, looking slightly reproached, though Felix had not said anything. “That’s what you’re thinking about isn’t it?”

“Remus…”

“Felix, I was drunk, I was upset, and I was being an idiot.”

“All fair points.”

“I am none of these things currently.”

“Also a fair point.”

Remus sighed. Then he took Felix’s face in his hands and stared at him hard.

“Felix, I adore you. And I adore your constant concern for others’ well-being and desire to do your best for people. I even adore that it extends to things like sex because Merlin knows that doesn’t happen for a lot of people. Don’t ever stop doing that. But for the moment could you trust me that I want this for the right reasons?”

“Yes,” Felix said without hesitation.

“Thank you,” Remus said and kissed him again.

This was better. This was much better.

Though it wasn’t long before Remus pulled away again, though not far.

“I was making an assumption there,” he said, uncertainly. “Do you, uh…”

Felix laughed and kissed him again. “Yes. Though, let’s move this to the bedroom. The couch isn’t good for this.”

“You sound like you’re speaking from experience.”

Felix laughed again. “I might be.”

Remus grinned, and there, right there was a moment of the old Remus again. The one Felix felt had enjoyed the pranks his friends had gotten him into just as much as he fretted about getting detention for it. The one he had seen in Ireland in what felt like an age ago.

Felix pulled him up off the couch and kissed him soundly, fingers tight at the base of Remus’ neck.

Remus made contented noises against him and then followed him willingly into the bedroom.

They lost their clothes in a tangle of limbs and small laughs and eager kisses. Felix pulled Remus down with him onto the bed, kissing him again and again and trying not to think about not being able to kiss him forever.

He tried not to think about how little time he’d had to get to know Remus, and even less to know how to make Remus make the noise he had just made when Felix touched him. Felix would go back to Tir na nOg, he would go fight for his king, but he was going to take this with him, every touch, every kiss, every subtle breath Remus made with him that night.

He was going to take every smile Remus had given in the last few weeks, too. Remus’ looks of contentment, even if just a little. He was going to take with him the thought that maybe Remus had just a little bit of hope again. That he wasn’t going to leave him alone with nothing once more.

And as he watched Remus breathe softly, curled up so seemingly content beside him, he prayed Remus would forgive him for abandoning him like he was.

Remus’ eyes fluttered open, not asleep yet it seemed. He tried to smile at Felix, but it slid from his face.

“What are you thinking about?” Felix asked.

Remus looked away. “Sirius.”

Felix brushed a stray piece of hair from Remus face, the sadness of the last months creeping back to his eyes.

“I just…” Remus started but stopped and took a deep breath. “I don’t know that I’m ever going to forget.”

“Don’t forget him, as much as it hurts. Remember him and live in spite of it, if you must. But don’t forget.”

“I’m not going to forget this, you know,” Remus said, after a moment. “What you’ve done for me here. I’m not going to forget _you_. Even if we never see each other again.”

So he had guessed then, Felix thought, that there might not be much time left for them.

“Who knows,” he said, not going to deny the truth. “We might just.”

Remus laughed at that, a small sound of delight, and Felix stared at him puzzled.

“You said the same thing in Ireland,” Remus said. “When Sirius and I were leaving. I’m quite sure you said the exact same thing.”

Felix smiled, brushing his thumb across Remus’ cheek. “And we did. So there’s still hope the universe will throw us together again.”

“Though, may it be under better circumstances next time,” Remus said.

“Yes,” Felix said, almost to convince himself. “I’m sure it will be.”

 

\--

 

Felix was in the kitchen making coffee when there was a knock at the door.

He was not altogether surprised to see Ruadhan on the other side. Brogan, however…

“Your Majesty,” he said, holding he door open for them. “This is a surprise.”

“Is it?” Brogan asked, looking mildly amused. He was looking around Felix’s flat with interest. “You’ve gotten yourself quite settled here, I see.”

Felix made to protest, but Brogan’s eyebrows shot up at something behind him. Felix turned to see Remus standing hesitantly in the doorway to the bedroom. He heard Brogan give a small huff a laugh. Rohan, he was sure, was making an disgruntled face.

“Remus,” Felix said. “Let me introduce you. This is Brogan mac Airgetlam, the High King of Tir na nOg and his steward, Ruadhan.”Remus cautiously came to stand near by. He looked more than a bit startled, and Felix didn’t blame him. “This is my friend Remus Lupin.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet any friend of our dear Toirdhealbhach,” Brogan said with a smile.

Remus bowed his head in reply. “It’s an honor,” he managed.

There was a moment of silence.

“I’m going to head out for a bit,” Remus said softly to Felix.

Felix nodded, glad he didn’t have to ask Remus to leave. “I’ll see you later,” he said, and he saw Ruadhan glower at him.

Remus grabbed his jacket and slid out the door without another word. The door had not even closed behind him when Brogan said with dark amusement, “So that’s why you’ve been so distracted down here on Ériu.”

Felix only nodded.

“You need to come home, now, Toirdhealbhach,” Brogan said, moving into the living room to inspect Felix’s bookshelves. “The sidhe must be closed or we risk Lorcan finding them and taking his army to earth. In fact, yours has been the only one open for some time. I gave you as long as I could, but things are going to get messy from here on out, and I’m going to need you in Tir na nOg.”

He turned to face Felix, his face dark. “Kier’s pregnant, Toirdhealbhach,” he said, then nodded at the surprise on Felix’s face.

“I’ll have no one else look after my wife in such a state but you, to say nothing of the imminent tragedies this war will bring forth soon enough. The land is already starting to wither, from the lies Lorcan spreads, no doubt. Your talents will be needed, as will your friendship. Can I count on you to fight by my side in this, Toirdhealbhach?”

“Of course,” Felix said.

“Glad to hear it,” Brogan said, and smiled.

“I never meant to linger here,” Felix said. “But Remus needed someone…”

Brogan laughed. “Toirdhealbhach, if you think I’m angry, I’m not. I know you would not have stayed if you had not felt you were needed here. But the need for you is greater back in Tir na nOg, and it is time to come home now.”

“Yes,” Felix said. He knew Brogan was right.“Let me say good bye to Remus, and I will think no more of Ériu.

Brogan simply nodded. “Ruadhan will close the sidh at dusk tomorrow. That’s all the time I can give you, my friend.”

“Thank you,” Felix said.

“Now Ruadhan had meant to bring you up to speed on the situation at home, but I think that can wait one more day, don’t you?” Brogan put his hand on Felix’s shoulder, while Rohan grumbled slightly. “You’ve got a hard enough task ahead of you, I think.”

They made to leave, but Brogan turned back at the door. “I know you will miss this place, Felix,” he said, using his nickname a last.“But it’s what we’re fighting for, are we not? To keep Ériu safe from Lorcan and his kind. This will not be the last time you see it, I promise.”

And then they were gone, leaving Felix to hope that that was a promise Brogan could indeed keep.

 

\--

 

Felix was on the roof smoking when Remus found him a couple hours later. He settled himself beside Felix, leaning out to look over the edge of the building.

“I wondered where I’d left those,” Remus said lightly, reaching for the cigarette between Felix’s fingers.

Felix passed it to Remus without comment, who inhaled with far more precision for someone so young. He wondered, a bit obscurely, if that had been Sirius’ influence on him.

They stared out across the park, the sun setting at their backs, passing the cigarette between them.

“Trouble at home?” Remus asked, after a long silence.

“I have to go back,” Felix said.

Remus only nodded.

“I’m sorry,” Felix said, and he meant it. “I have to go back,” he said again, hoping Remus would understand though he made no attempt to explain.

“It’s okay,” Remus said, not looking at him. “I’ll be okay.” He turned to give Felix a heavy smile.

Felix wondered if he really would be. But there was nothing more Felix could do.

He pressed his lips to Remus’ temple, holding Remus close to him.

When he let go, Remus let his head rest on Felix’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a long time, not talking, just smoking and watching the sky darken. When it got so cold the Remus started to shiver, they went back down to Felix’s flat and had dinner and didn’t talk about goodbyes.

 

\--

 

Mid-afternoon the next day Felix stepped through the sidh and back into Tir na nOg, Rohan already waiting for him. Felix watched as he closed the portal with a heavy heart.

He thought of Remus sometimes, during the war, and too, when they had settled on Ériu. He thought of Remus, and how he had told him that things would get better. He really hoped it had for Remus, even in a period of his own despair. He hoped Remus had found some joy, even as he remembered the hollow look behind his smile when they parted.

When the dust had settled from the war, when they had found their feet on Ériu, maybe this time for good, Felix set out to find Remus. Just to see him once more. Just to tell him that joy comes back slowly. Despair rushes in, but joy comes back slowly.

He had a feeling Remus would understand.

**Author's Note:**

> A note about canon:
> 
> I believe I have, to the best of my ability, stayed true to the Harry Potter canon, in so far as times and dates. 
> 
> The Thin Veil, on the other hand, I royally mucked up. 
> 
> So, please disregard the host of in accuracies found here, this story in particular. I know my faults in this.
> 
> Also, I have sad headcanons about Remus having a brother. I'm not sorry.


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